January 19th, 2007 (04:49 am)
current mood: awake
play...wait, pause... play... repeat. and repeat again. And one more time now, repeat....stop.
That seems to be alot how my life is going right now. I grow so weary of the constant replays. And yet, I do nothing to stop them. So, as always, it is my fault for not taking action. But what am I supposed to do? I've never done well at surviving on my own, and god knows he would die without me. I've no love for life, not that I've ever had much to begin with, I've no desire, or drive, passion...nothing. I have become nothing. An insignificant number in the tally of humanity, trudging through life one day at a time, accomplishing nothing, triggering or preventing nothing as well. I place alot of undeserving blame apon him, because he is the only target I have. There are alot of things wrong with me, and alot of those things are very difficult to work through, and I've no idea about how to begin. I'm caught up in a whirlwind of unhappiness with no concievable way out, so I'm trying to drag down anyone that gets close. Completely unintentionally, but it keeps happening. I pushed so many people away in my disillusioned way of trying to save them. Sometimes I wonder if it truly works. I would give anything to save those I love and care for, but refuse to ask for help because I am too prideful and suffer on in relative silence. I don't know what's wrong with me, well, at least not completely. I just wish I had the willpower to fix it....